Following your heart?

I am extremely tired as I haven't slept much since yesterday. The events yesterday has been running through my mind over and over. That's me, torture self with thought. LOL. I look in the mirror and my eyes are so puffy from the tears and the lack of sleep. I am not sure what set me off yesterday,(have an idea), but it needed to happen. It woke me up. It said "snap out of it Laurie, you cant put your heart into this" which is hard to say since I do put my heart into everything. That's the only way I know how to live. But what got me so emotional yesterday was the fact I did the most sinful thing that I could do when it comes to long distance friendships. I started to feel for someone I know I would never be with. I have a dear friend that I have talked to for quite sometime now. He has been generous, sweet , kind....ya know, everything a girl likes in a guy. Mostly he has been such a good and dear friend. Sad part is that he has been totally upfront with me about everything and i should have know what I was getting into. I cant blame him at all. Well, I suppose I could after all, he said so many sweet things to me. I just let my heart follow where it shouldn't have. What can I say, I live life dangerously. Yesterday I realized that this feeling I had was lingering inside my heart and it scared me. I had to ask myself how do I put my self into any friendship and not feel anything? It is OK to feel love for your friends, but when do you step back? When do we say I Love you, but we cant go there, it wont work out? How do you protect your heart but yet give all of yourself? I am not sure what is to become of my friendship now as I know he knows how I am feeling. A part of me feels like I am about to loose a really good friend. Which does sadden me. Who knows, maybe we will be better friends because of it. But I suppose I should step back for the time being. His loss!

So most of yesterday I spent either holding back my tears or flat out sobbing. I think alot of that was just hormonal. Dam womanhood. But the truth is, I am a very emotional being that cares deeply about people. I am emotional, passionate, sexual, spiritual.....I cant help what my heart feels and doesn't feel. Some times its hard to separate or control what I feel.If ya want me, gotta take the emotions that come with it... Life is so short, and has so many negative things to it that I try hard to focus on loving and living life to the fullest each and every day in a positive way. I try to love my friends the same way! Some times I think that my emotions get me into trouble sometimes. But that's a part of who I am. I cant help being attracted to beauty..... nature, inner beauty, kindness....all the things that make my heart alive.I am naturally drawn to it. SO whats a girl suppose to do? LOL!

My main goal now is to focus on myself and keep enjoying my life the best way I know how. Its a great time to take care of my own spirit so when that right man does come along that actually wants to be a part of my life, he will get all of me and more. Why should I settle for half of a mans heart? I deserve better. Til then, I gotta deal with those heart breaking moments. Its gods way of teaching me those valuable lessons that I so need to learn. I just wish those lessons were not so lonely.

Thanks for listening.....or reading!