Saturday, January 24, 2015


Its almost a full month in to the new year. As every year goes, resolutions are always made in hopes to better our lives.But it is funny, when I ask people what there resolutions are a lot of times they tell me they don't make any.If they don't make any then they cant break any .At least that's what they tell me.I actually find that kind of sad actually. To me resolution's are goals, they are challenges we set for ourselves to make our lives better than before.I can not imagine a person without goals.Sure, I am happy with my life, but there is always room for improvement.Life is always moving so we  ourselves have got to keep moving as well. Anyway, this thought came to me this morning as I was trying to sleep. Why do all the thoughts and lessens of life hit us when we are trying to sleep? Maybe it is because we are still and quiet enough to hear life's messages around us. Maybe God was talking o me today.Regardless, its a marvelous thought to think about. But  there is one thing about the goals we set for ourselves that we need to keep in mind. All the choices we make for selves may not always go well with others. In my experience I have discovered that people that are close in your circle can sometimes frown and judge you upon your choices.People have a tendency to look down upon you if you make choices that don't agree with their way of thinking. It is expected.I know that simply because I live in a small town filled with gossipers. All I can say with that is Don't listen to the negative talk around you. Don't listen to those who think they have a hand in how you live your life.For a long time it use to bother me what people thought.I thought there was something wrong with me because I thought things differently. Duh, I am my own person.. No more.This year for me is a new challenge. Its a challenge to not worry so much about what others may think and focus a bit more on making me happy. Just to be clear, just because you are a parent, you do have a right to be happy too. Do not let anyone tell you that you can't do things for yourself to be happy or that your being selfish for putting yourself first from time to time. It is OK to live like a human being.If there is a positive lesson in that it is that kids will learn that other people matter too. But remember too that no matter what challenges we go through or that we set for selves, it is a challenge and will most likely take several attempts to reach those goals.Do not give up, be strong and remember the beautiful spirit that we were meant to be........basically if I tell myself this more often than I know I will be OK. Anyway....May God Bless your day.......

Friday, January 23, 2015

Catching up.......

           Wow I cant believe its been that long since I last wrote anything.I remember the days when I couldn't stop writing about what ever it was going through my head. Now I am lucky if any thoughts escape my head at all. I suppose my life has been a bit busy these days over the course of the year. I suppose dating will do that. Isn't it funny how  our lives change when we meet people and date them?I feel so different than I use to be now that I am not on my own anymore. Yeah, still single, but have a person in my life that I have to now consider before I make any judgement calls. Sometimes I think it was easier to be on my own than to date. Easier, but lonely. Either way, the best way to describe the past year is to say it was a roller coaster. I went back to the State Parks for work for my 9 months and  now I am unemployed again. That's the nature of my job is that I only get 9 months before being forced to take a break. I like the break, but miss the paycheck. It is incredibly hard to live off unemployment.But if they hire me back, than I am a very lucky person to be working for the Parks.If only the State of California would hire full time.....if only. But a job is a job and I will be incredibly grateful to get one again.In fact the picture I posted with this post is of work before I went off season. I am still so in love with the beauty of working at the lake. I have been totally spoiled for any inside job.

So this year....not much. My Giants won another World Series and I am still reeling over seeing them win a 3rd world series title. I remember years ago how anxious I was to see them just win one....but now 3? Isn't that crazy? The team has changed a bit but I still believe anything is possible. My Giants still get no respect but  winning 3 titles is no fluke. Management has done something right and I feel they can do it again. I wont even talk about the 49ers. So pissed they let the head coach go.They will regret that one I am sure.....but moving on.
Let see....I also could have blogged about seeing the movie the Interview. Ya know, the movie that North Korea didn't want us to see? Sure, its not an academy award winning film, and the humor was lame....but I am into lame movies and I just had to be a rebel against North Korea. LOL. Mainly I
I am just a big James Franco fan so I would have seen it regardless.
I think the one thing I regret not blogging about is the Death of Robin Williams. I grew up watching him and he was one of my favorite comedians. It is so incredibly sad when we loose someone that brought so much joy to the world. I still feel like the world is a bit more dark now that he is gone. It is shocking to me how people we don't know can effect us like that?I think this will effect me me for years to come.

OK, I also could have blogged about all the racism crap that been has been going on lately....but I wont for now. I have so much to say that I am going to need a lot more time to write and frankly not up to it. But soon.All I will say is that there is more to every side of the story.

Let as for my family...the kids are growing up faster than I can breath. My oldest is in collage now and takes the bus daily. I feel so bad I cant get her a car yet. It sucks to be poor. LOL. But shes a champ for making the trip every day. The other two are as bright as can be and they all make me as proud as a parent can be proud.Although they hate me every other day so I must be doing something right.I love my kids at all ages but I do look forward to the day when they are old enough to appreciate all the sacrifices I have done for them.....Parenting is still the hardest job out there.

Well, that's about all I can say at the moment. I can tell I am so out of practice with the blogging.I am also so sleep deprived these days that I haven't had much energy to do so. I hate getting older because the sleep problems get worse.More on that later. I  have totally forgotten how good it feels to let the words go. Hell, I also forgot how good it was to listen to Josh Groban because I went along time without listening to him....I broke down today because I was feeling a bit stressed and sure enough it brought me back up...LOL. Funny how that works.When you step away from something you enjoy for awhile than come back to it, it is amazing how good it feels. Its almost like discovering it again.

Well til later.....Will be back soon.....XOXO

Monday, September 2, 2013

Gustine sunset and the lonliness blues

LBrown photo
 As busy as it gets at times  being a single mom of 3 kids, I often  find time to stop and  admire such beautiful moments of my day. Tonight's sunset is simply gorgeous. It is funny that so many people are outside and they don't see the true miracle of this planet happening right now before them....It is like if God is painting the sky for all the world to blessed am I to see such  beauty tonight. But I will say it does bring a bit of sadness to my heart. I see such beauty and I am reminded again how sucky it is to be single sometimes. When I see  such an amazing sunset like this I long to be with someone, to hold someone, to feel as if I am the world to someone too. I miss the connection that two people share when  in the presence of such beautiful scenes. It makes me want to get close to another soul and never let go. I dream of that special place two people go when they share all their deepest thoughts to each other. My loneliness as returned tonight in full force and I know there is nothing I can really do about it other than to appreciate that my heart is still yearning to be needed by another soul. I haven't felt this lonely in such a long time....maybe this sunset is telling me that its OK to long, to ache for something or someone. It is OK to feel such passion and desire to want to connect.... all I know is its a lonely feeling and I know it is something I  have to deal with at times.

Anyway, other than that I am blessed for the day. I am blessed my kids are healthy, I am blessed I am healthy, I am blessed with a sweet and special friend, I am blessed that God has given me this day to  be full of love, light , and  of good thoughts. My journey tomorrow starts early tomorrow as my son has surgery very early, but I am grateful it wont take long. I just cant wait til its over....ugh. Til then, All I can do is pray God will see me through this beautiful night and bless me with his love.... Sweet Dreams to all........

Home is where you make it

Happy Labor day to all. Its a gorgeous day to do all the things that make you smile. I know the  title  "labor" day should imply that we all should be working, but in fact it is a day most people take off to enjoy those things that fill their spirits brightly. But the one thing we must remember on a day like this is that we do have men and women still fighting for this country and we must never forget all the sacrifices they have made for us. So to them, I give them my undying gratitude and love to all.....

With that said, I know being out of work would stress out so many people and cause great anxiety over not  being able to meet ends meet. I haven't been able to make  ends meet for quite sometime and yet I am still here. I think my faith has gotten me through some pretty tough times and it has also gotten me the things that I need. I no longer worry about tomorrow as I know it will take care of itself. I live for today and that is all that matters. So today I am focusing on the things that make me smile and fill my heart. I chose this beautiful Thomas Kincaid picture to post because it is something that touches my soul deeply. I love this artist work for many reasons, but mainly because I love how I feel when I look at a simple picture like this. I know I am a dreamer, a sensitive soul that gets carried away in the ideas of possible love, and dreams. I don't know, I have always been like this as far as I can remember. I am sure many people would tell me to get my head out of the clouds but frankly I don't want to. Hell, I am sure some would think I need meds to clear my thinking some. LOL. The world needs more dreamers, more sensitive beings. There is way too much hatred, anger, judgment, insensitivity  in this world as it is. What we need are people that can see the  beauty of possibilities, and have hope that the ultimate dreams are possible and to be a strong soul to help those  reach their desires with encouragement.

These pictures take me to a place I would love to be. There is something magical in the idea of  living in a small cottage some place  in the  middle of a small town....a place where families can grow, lovers can connect,  hearts can become stronger. I don't need a fancy house with lots of stuff.....but a small cottage with just simple touches seems so  eloquent, so beautiful. The light from the window makes me feel warmth and love from within. How sweet is it to be with the people you love and be all together in a  home that is made with love. Don't get me wrong, I love my little apartment that I have made my own and love when my kids are here with me....but its not the same when we all cant be together at the same time, sharing our stories, our day, our love....Home is where you make it, but I will admit I do long for that little cottage that is made for quaint days and tender nights. Oh to dream...I may sound goofy and corny over such silly thoughts....but these thoughts are  better than the negative ones that are often carried around by people. I am pure woman and yes, a sucker for beautiful romance and heart felt stories...... Dam, is it that time of the month again? Getting all sentimental again..... Oh well, Don't know any other way.....XOXOXO

~God Speed~

Tuesday, August 27, 2013


Its another beautiful day, and it is another day to be thankful for all that is. I went on my normal walk this morning at the canal because that spot seems to give me the most clarity about life. Oh the things I see when I walk, the little details.  For some reason when I walk I  see things much clearer than before. I went today hoping to find that exact inspiration that I have found so many times before. It didn't take long before God sent me some inspiration to think about.  AS I was walking I couldn't help but noticed all the dirt and the rocks that surrounded the canal. It almost look like a construction site in places. In the middle of this dirt,  these little flowers seem to be thriving. They were everywhere. This beautiful little life seemed to nourish on the rocky, cracked ground that surrounded it. I thought to myself how much that reminded me of life. With all the craziness, the doubts, the fears, the rocky moments, the UN easy path that this world has to offer, there is always a little a beauty in the middle of all that chaos. It is always there  but we have to be open enough to see it. It was such a profound moment for me that I was so  pumped up even more from my walk. I  felt as if God was telling me that  even though my journey is a bit rough right now that I need to slow down and see the beauty that is thriving. That beauty is in my own spirit. That moment reminded me that I need to let go of the negative and keep my focus on the true beauty that life is offering us  every second of the day. I spent many years questioning my own heart, my own imperfections. It is time I stopped. Yes, I am not perfect and I make mistakes and I know I will make more...But today I make a conscious effort to not linger on those mistakes and beat myself up for them. My desire is to keep my focus on all the  wonderful possibilities that there is out there in life. I  know my spirit is growing all the time and I am blessed that I feel all that I do. SO today my thoughts are on this lovely day that I have been granted. I know tomorrow is not guaranteed so I will be happy to know that I am here NOW.

Monday, August 26, 2013

Lifes Journey

Oh sweetness of the night, the moon, the stars....Oh how I long for your comfort tonight. Its been crazy lately in my life. My life was going  pretty good until I started using my heart again. LOL. Its good now too, just its more emotional than I remember. It is amazing what you feel when you start letting other people  see your true inner being. Letting people inside is not always easy for me. I am not always sure its a good thing, but I try risk it anyway. There is so much emotion  and so much ego in people, including myself,  that we often loose track of what really is important, especially when we have to deal things that are not always pleasant. I think it is why  many relationships end, people get scared and don't want to face the work it takes to keep feelings going. Please forgive me  universe for  my ups and down lately. This dating thing sure feels new to me. I must admit, I feel a little insecure. It should it has been years since I even let anyone see the real me. I feel like a little school girl with her very first love and not knowing how to handle it, which is odd since I am divorced and have had a few loves in my life already. Maybe that is how we are suppose to be when we find people that matter to us. Maybe it is suppose to be confusing and  we are not suppose to know where we are standing at any given moment. Maybe we are not suppose to know how to breath or how to catch ourselves when we fall. Maybe it is  suppose to catch us off guard and make us feel things we  never had felt before.  Some one told me today they didn't like one of my post and that I should stick to  being positive. I suppose I have been writing a lot of negative things lately, especially of doubt. But I question that because as human beings we are not always positive about our lives or where we are going. We all doubt ourselves at some point on our journey. It is how we react to those moments that define who we are. I love to write, weather it is good or bad, it is still a part of me. I often find words come out better when I write them down. For some reason my mouth doesn't  always want to cooperate. LOL. My emotions tend to get the better of me. As much as I enjoy all the sweet moments of life, I also want to embrace the not so good moments as well because it is those moments that teach us the most about who we are, what we want, what we need.I don't want to sugar coat anything just because the truth is often so hard to hear. I lay it out there. It is how I see it weather it is right or wrong. Sure, some times I regret what I type later on, and some times it wont even make any sense. But at that particular moment that I write them,  these words are exactly how I feel.

I love the night and all its  darkness, especially in times of uncertainty. It comforts me and reminds me so of how much a woman I am and how sensual I  can be. I know my soul is a good one and that it aches for its match. I know that when I love someone, I love with all my heart. Loving only half way does no good for  a persons spirit.  I am  so eager to see the moonlight tonight and the  endless amount of stars in the heavens because they often guide me to a better place.. a better state of mind. All I know is that  I long for a connection of a soul tonight, but right now it is still  wondering about her own....I know the future is still unknown and I have many lessons to learn, but I am eager to continue on this journey to find out what Life has in store. I have deep understanding  that with the beautiful moments of life, comes some pain and struggle. We can't have one without the other. I accept that. I long to see what these moments will bring to my life and how it will make me a better me. For now, I  take it day by day making the best of every moment. Where it will lead me, I don't know, but as long as I keep putting myself in this vulnerable position then I can find beautiful things. You can't gain anything without risk.....It is a scary world to let anyone into your heart because it gives them power to break it. If we don't take that chance then we will never find what we  need....

Anyway, its been a day. So much to think about lately.  But its life. A soul would be pretty boring if we didn't have things to think about. We would never grow. I think tonight I am going to take a nice bath, lay in bed in the cool sheets and listen to some music. I am thinking Groban tonight as his voice soothes me when I am trying to find my way....Oh the sweet sounds of music....It has such healing powers. For anyone else that struggles...just know you are never alone and that there are people out there  everywhere trying to find their own way on their journey just like you. Some times we can walk together, some times we must face things alone...either way, we are all one in this universe.


My poor broken heart....

Oh sweet day. I wish I could escape some place beautiful today. Natures beauty is the most calming element to my senses. I wish sometimes I could escape this trouble some world that  seems to find me all the time. I may just have to go on another walk tonight to reconnect with God and feel his presence again. My heart is heavy because a dear sweet man  that I have gotten to know doesn't want to be a part of my life any more and it seems he cant see the real me. Some how some people  when they have been hurt badly  in their past often dwell on their past and it makes it hard for them to see what is right in front of them.. I know because I am often afraid of what is in front of me. I  am thinking this fear we carry  makes us do things that keep us from truly being happy. I am so guilty. I know my past with  men have made me a little closed off and afraid to put my whole self out there. I am trying though. It is not an easy journey so all I can do is learn from my mistakes and move forward and hopefully I don't hurt anyone I do care about in the process. For so long I have been afraid to put myself out there because I know if I gave my heart to someone that they could easily walk on it or refuse it. I have been trying  to do such things and lately even found myself a really good guy. I tried the best I could to give all I had and yet, I guess it wasn't good enough. It hurts a little but I do know that I have tried to give all that I could and so I don't hold no grudges about anything. Some times people just don't fit. Yeah, I have made some mistakes along the way, but those mistakes will teach me so much. It will make me grow as a person so I will never feel bad about the mistakes that I made and probably will make in the future. No one is perfect ya know. Life is a journey and the road we are all on sometimes is a bumpy ride. Time will tell and decide which people were meant to stay my life and which ones take the easy road and run away. All I can do is to continue to be the best me and to take care of my heart like it was  the most valuable thing in the world. If I ever again decide to  give my heart away, I hope  the person receiving it will have the patients to discover all of its hidden  beauty. Every woman deserves to have a man that will be there  and totally  put himself out there even when he is afraid. Anyway, my heart  has to heal again from another heartbreak....yes, I loved him...I will never regret Love even if it was only meant to last a short while. Life is a beautiful Journey and I know some day someone will want to be there and  hold on to my heart for all time..... Til then....God Bless everyone on this beautiful journey called Life....